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Sunday, May 13, 2018

Is it June yet?

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Is it June yet?

March 20
My darling girl met Jesus face to face a year ago this day. The beauty and the despair in that same moment grip me. My heart, shattered and heavy, relives this day and the despair of the next 48 hours. I want it to be June now.

March 20
My daughter, Charlotte Hope, ours for just 12 months now, says to me. “Mommy, I missed you when I was in China and you weren’t there. I was so scared without you. I love you. I love you to be my mommy. I wish you could be my mommy when I was a baby.”
The gift that this child is. My daughter, my rainbow, my smile maker, my love. 

April 4, 
1 year ago, we buried our baby girl. 6 years too young. 1 year without her. Heart aching so terribly. I am wrecked!
We rejoice in our baby being made new and we run to serve and love on others all through the month, in her honor, in her memory, in our suffering.

April 17 our sweet daughter Cassidy’s birthday. Ivy loved her big sister Cassidy with every cell in her body. She would melt in her arms, kiss her and hug her and just adored her. She made birthdays the very best! Made everyone feel so valued and important! My heart aches for Cassidy today, she misses her so much! 

April 29th, Cassidy gets married. She walks down the Isle with her daddy and she sparkles like diamonds. With Ivy’s photo charm attached to her bouquet and memories of our baby girl all around us, we weep with joy for Cassidy and with heart ache for the little flower girl who was so excited to walk down the isle on her sisters wedding day but didn’t get to. We know heaven is better, but we miss her and we want her here. We ache for what we’d hoped for. We give thanks, for what should be enough.

May 6, Ivy Joys Birthday! How can it be that we have no child here to celebrate with? It feels like the first day without you every single day. Like how is this really true? Someone wake me up! My heart is just pierced with pain. I miss her so much! The tears go on. My baby girl, life without her is so hard.

May 10th, Cassidy graduates from college! So many beautiful and amazing milestones for this girl! We are bursting with the proudest hearts! She gets a teaching job at Ivy, Lexi and Charlotte’s School. Our sweet girl has grown up before our eyes and oh Lord, we just thank you for all of this. As happy as I am for her, I keep hearing her baby sister shouting Go Cass!! You did it Cass!!! I love you Cass Cass! My tears won’t stop. Ive ended the drought here in Arizona thanks to all these tears. 
We press on, we sprinkle joy, we watch her videos and thank God for each second we had. We wanted more. So much more. But we submit and we trust and yes, we cry.

May 13... today. Mother’s Day. I wanted to fast forward to June. I wanted to Skip this day and be done with anniversaries and milestones and trigger dates that slay me. I’ve tried so hard to hold myself together and do a good job of being every bit as good of a mom to these precious children as I would have been without this broken heart. I’m aching, but I’m proud of myself too. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Losing a little child that you have spent every single day taking care of and loving. No one is ever ready for that. I get up every day and ask God to just get me through today. Keep my eyes on you Jesus. Let me be the example to my children. Let me praise you in every page of my story, happy or sad. Let me see the beauty when it feels dark and let me embrace all I still have. 
I still hope to wake up to find it was all a nightmare. It’s still that fresh. 
This day, Mother’s Day, without my sunshine girl. My bucket of pure joy. All I ever wanted to be is a mom. It’s my absolute everything. The honor of raising a child. I always told people when I was a kid, that I would have 7 kids one day. I do, but celebrating this day without one of them is heart wrenching. It’s painful. It’s debilitating. I’m so blessed to be this tribes mom! So very blessed! But having to give one back, it just hurts.

Bring me June or bring me Jesus
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Friday, May 5, 2017

7 in heaven, #sprinklejoyforivy

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Share share share!! 
Saturday! Be Joy!!! Ivy will turn 7 in Heaven, lets Sprinkle Joy for Ivy!
At 7am our family will head to Ivys home church to clean for Jesus. Help us give her church some extra sparkle as we vacuum and clean toilets and sprinkle joy. We'll bring donuts from Bosa and there will be coffee already there. So arrive a few minutes early ;) Mission community church. MISSION Community Church
After we clean we are heading to the cemetery. We plan on putting a red ballon on every child's grave. (Ivy is in a children only area) I hope it brings a little joy to the families who visit that day. 
Ivy had someone in her life that she loved dearly. She happens to be a dear friend of mine, and she happens to have stage 4 cancer. Ivy never missed a day praying for her. Ever!!! And the first words out of her mouth each time we see our friend, were always, how ya dooin today? How's your canswer? It was so innocent and so beautiful. If you watched her service you might remember the video where she was telling our friend to fight fight fight. Our girl was a prayer worrier and I have no doubt she's still advocating for her sweet Stacy in heaven. Next Saturday ( a week after Ivy's birthday) happens to be Stacy's birthday. She has titanium rods in her back so she can't drive for the rest of her life. Her sister ( an absolute gift from God) drives her everywhere! Takes her back and forth to her countless appointments!) I want to bless these two ladies! It gets boring sitting at home and she has very young children. Let's shower them with amazon gift cards! I'm sure that there is just no time to run to all the places she needs to with a schedule like hers. The 2 sisters can share the cards. When I imagine how we act in heaven, all just sharing everything and always helping each other, putting the other first... it is there 2 sisters that I see! I'm so blessed to call them friends. I purchased my gift cards at the grocery store but you can also purchase online. If you choose to join us, please message me for address or bring Saturday. 
The rest is easy
Say hello to people you don't know
Say a compliment or two
Skip like a child without caring about who is staring at you. Have fun! Sparkle! Giggle!
Write a sweet note to a teacher
Give a financial gift with money you had saved for something for yourself, knowing they need it more.
Have compassion and love for the hurting.
Love on everyone!!!!!
Read one more story before bed
Say yes to ice cream for breakfast! ( or chips)
It is easier to find joy than it is to harbor bitterness. So let's do this!!!
Hashtag your day! Show us how much joy can be spread. Or give in secret and just hashtag a sweet photo. We love you all and Ivy loved you more! 

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Thursday, May 4, 2017


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Saturday, Little Miss Ivy Joy will be 7. Her first birthday in heaven and our first birthday without her. Her big sister, Lexi, who is 8 years old, put it all in prospective tonight. Mom, Ivy is going to be having days better than birthdays and Christmas and every best moment you could imagine times one billion in heaven. She beat us there. Because God chose to heal her heart in heaven instead of open her chest again for the 6th time. He didn't want her suffering through that and he took her to heaven before her birthday because he knows how much she LOVES birthdays!!
And she is right. I taught the girls very young the beauty of our salvation and what lies ahead. They talked about death and about heaven in the most free and innocent way. Just 2 weeks before Ivy went to heaven, she was telling Lexi and I that she was going to have a pegasus unicorn in heaven and 1000 shopkins. I would not doubt that she is riding her pegasus unicorn on her birthday. That is if she has gotten of of Jesus' lap yet. I told Lexi that every time I pictured Ivy in heaven she was still on Jesus' lap and that I hoped she was sharing. Lexi reassured me, mom, it doesn't matter! There is no sadness or complaining in heaven so even if she isn't sharing, no one will care! My girl is wise and she is the joy that covers my mourning. And so is Charlotte and all of her happiness and love. And so are my big kids and my little Henry! I am blessed to still have these moments with them and promise to continue to not miss a minute of each day we have together. Because today is what we know we have. And though this is hard, we can always find joy!
Tomorrow I will post about our SPRINKLE JOY FOR IVY! In honor of her Birthday!
Much love and gratitude to all who continue to cover us in prayer!
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Saturday, April 8, 2017

Introducing Charlotte

Pin It Ivy and Lexi would not want me to wait another day for this. Amongst the heartbreak, we have delayed sharing this treasure. On the same day we lost a child, we received our newest child. I was numb, heart broken, afraid, devastated, the most horrid thing you'll ever experience is the loss of a child, but then to be across the world, then add that it's adoption day, you have had your child in your arms for 4 hours. She's grieving all she's known and I'm grieving all I've lost. unimaginable. I had to get home, my baby died! I had to get home. With the completely unselfish love and help of my dearest friend Kim, I had the Visa I needed to get home, 54 hours after signing the adoption papers. World record! And once home, I was able to mourn and grieve and embrace all I still have, and lean on Jesus for He is who I will always have.
Charlotte Hope, you are on this earth for a reason just as your sister was. God has a plan for and for our family and I want you to know that while we are sad because of our loss, we are rejoicing to have been chosen to be your mommy and daddy and we will love you all the days of our lives. We are so grateful that Charlottes transition has been seamless. She is kind and loving and happy all the time. She is so eager to learn and so overjoyed to have so many siblings who are showering her with love. She loves our dog Molly and all things girly.  So without further due, we'd like to introduce our 5 year old Daughter, home from Guangzhou China, Charlotte Hope ❤️

                         Just off the plane, a new U.S Citizen

Home 2 weeks

                           The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just 
                              to love and be loved in return

There is always something to be thankful for. Tomorrow is not promised. Not for me, not for you, not for her. It never was. Looking at that in the face, is hard. But it's reality. Embrace every single day my friends. We did! Our suffering is still tremendous. It is still so very painful. But we are so happy that me missed nothing and have no regrets. We miss Ivy Joy so very very much. We cry a lot. A whole lot. Today we still have so much to give thanks for. We promise to embrace that every morning. I woke up today. I could breathe, I could walk. I wish Ivy was blowing bubbles in the yard with Charlotte. More than you can imagine. But what is here now, today, for that we find joy. Pin It

Monday, April 3, 2017

Ivy's memorial service

Pin It For those out of state, here is the link to the live stream happening in 1 hour Pin It

Friday, March 24, 2017

Taken too soon

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Friday, March 17, 2017

Leaving today!!!!!

Pin It So excited to be starting the journey to China today. I will have Charlotte on Monday afternoon. This week has been a whirlwind as Ivy has been so very sick and my mama heart has just been numb in jugging the what if's. So thankful for our amazing pediatrician who took care of her quickly and eased my broken soul in making decisions on what to do next. She assured me that by today I should feel much better about leaving and sure enough, I do. She is not back to herself yet, but her breathing is great, her 02 is back to normal, here fever has been gone for a few days and she is very excited that her sister is coming home soon. 
Satan wanted this beautiful story to have a pause or even an end, but it won't. He knows that the easy way control me is through the well being of my children. But God used so many people, and so many things, to turn me back Him and I held on to my own knowledge that fear does not from God. Anxiety,.... not from our Father! I am at ease with all things today. My heart is full, my confidence is back, and I'm ready to go get our girl!
Charlotte Hope, just a few more days sweet girl.  Pin It
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