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Sunday, May 13, 2018

Is it June yet?

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Is it June yet?

March 20
My darling girl met Jesus face to face a year ago this day. The beauty and the despair in that same moment grip me. My heart, shattered and heavy, relives this day and the despair of the next 48 hours. I want it to be June now.

March 20
My daughter, Charlotte Hope, ours for just 12 months now, says to me. “Mommy, I missed you when I was in China and you weren’t there. I was so scared without you. I love you. I love you to be my mommy. I wish you could be my mommy when I was a baby.”
The gift that this child is. My daughter, my rainbow, my smile maker, my love. 

April 4, 
1 year ago, we buried our baby girl. 6 years too young. 1 year without her. Heart aching so terribly. I am wrecked!
We rejoice in our baby being made new and we run to serve and love on others all through the month, in her honor, in her memory, in our suffering.

April 17 our sweet daughter Cassidy’s birthday. Ivy loved her big sister Cassidy with every cell in her body. She would melt in her arms, kiss her and hug her and just adored her. She made birthdays the very best! Made everyone feel so valued and important! My heart aches for Cassidy today, she misses her so much! 

April 29th, Cassidy gets married. She walks down the Isle with her daddy and she sparkles like diamonds. With Ivy’s photo charm attached to her bouquet and memories of our baby girl all around us, we weep with joy for Cassidy and with heart ache for the little flower girl who was so excited to walk down the isle on her sisters wedding day but didn’t get to. We know heaven is better, but we miss her and we want her here. We ache for what we’d hoped for. We give thanks, for what should be enough.

May 6, Ivy Joys Birthday! How can it be that we have no child here to celebrate with? It feels like the first day without you every single day. Like how is this really true? Someone wake me up! My heart is just pierced with pain. I miss her so much! The tears go on. My baby girl, life without her is so hard.

May 10th, Cassidy graduates from college! So many beautiful and amazing milestones for this girl! We are bursting with the proudest hearts! She gets a teaching job at Ivy, Lexi and Charlotte’s School. Our sweet girl has grown up before our eyes and oh Lord, we just thank you for all of this. As happy as I am for her, I keep hearing her baby sister shouting Go Cass!! You did it Cass!!! I love you Cass Cass! My tears won’t stop. Ive ended the drought here in Arizona thanks to all these tears. 
We press on, we sprinkle joy, we watch her videos and thank God for each second we had. We wanted more. So much more. But we submit and we trust and yes, we cry.

May 13... today. Mother’s Day. I wanted to fast forward to June. I wanted to Skip this day and be done with anniversaries and milestones and trigger dates that slay me. I’ve tried so hard to hold myself together and do a good job of being every bit as good of a mom to these precious children as I would have been without this broken heart. I’m aching, but I’m proud of myself too. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Losing a little child that you have spent every single day taking care of and loving. No one is ever ready for that. I get up every day and ask God to just get me through today. Keep my eyes on you Jesus. Let me be the example to my children. Let me praise you in every page of my story, happy or sad. Let me see the beauty when it feels dark and let me embrace all I still have. 
I still hope to wake up to find it was all a nightmare. It’s still that fresh. 
This day, Mother’s Day, without my sunshine girl. My bucket of pure joy. All I ever wanted to be is a mom. It’s my absolute everything. The honor of raising a child. I always told people when I was a kid, that I would have 7 kids one day. I do, but celebrating this day without one of them is heart wrenching. It’s painful. It’s debilitating. I’m so blessed to be this tribes mom! So very blessed! But having to give one back, it just hurts.

Bring me June or bring me Jesus
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Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I have missed reading your blog and although you don't know me, my heart aches for you and your family. Remember that life is but a journey on earth and one day, you will all be together again with our heavenly Father. I pray that you have the peace you need; you are blessed with a beautiful family. Much love from the UK.

carly said...

Oh Mary, I'm weeping with you! Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts. I hate that it hurts so much. It's not right, but yet it's God's perfect plan. That's something I'm still trying to wrap my head around myself. Thinking of you today and when I weep, I'll be praying for you too. 💜

Unknown said...

Mary, Your pain is unbearable, the loss unimaginable , unthinkable ... yet... I am in awe because you get up. Your strength, though you may not think so,is miraculous. The only way it can be explained is that someone is holding up you from behind. Your family...yes of course. But I know it's your faith, your love and belief in Jesus, your absolute truth that you will see precious sweet Ivy again that moves you forward. I witnessed this in China. I saw you function, love on Charolette, put on a faint smile and be polite to all around you. I witness you saying within one day: " I decided, I need to put on my big girl pants and do this for Charolette." And you did. I saw you hold it all together until you had a private place to retreat. I saw pain like no one should ever experience, to have to see. I also saw strength the likes of which no one can imagine, the will, the determination to at all cost be the best mother you possibly could be and are! As I mother, I agree, we are blessed to parent our children. I share as well, it was all I always wanted to be. But you, you my friend, have shown us all the side of Motherhood with super powers, someone who has experienced, endured, and survived the unsurvivable. The power to not let, once in a lifetime, milestones /celebration be any less than they should be all while carrying this devastation that you also did not ignore but honored Ivy in the most heartfelt ways. You still take care of everyone else, their needs, their celebrations and problems with the same detail and love as you would have done with Ivy smiling beside you. You walk through all these milestones, events sprinkling the joy they warrant and deserve. As a mom it is part of our job description to "make the magic." And you continue to do all of that while carrying a sorrow that is unbearable... yet you do. I am in tears (and have been) as I think, how is it possible that Ivy isn't with us, how can you and your family stand, walk , go on. Then ... I know... because I know you...your faith in Jesus. There is no doubt in my mind you have Mother super powers but He must have also given you some extra super mom powers. June is almost here my dear friend. You can cry when you need to, you can take time for can call me day or night when the pain is so stabbing and raw. We will continue to honor and remember the most amazing little girl we were blessed to love...for too short of a time on earth. I love you.

kimberlyjoyberg said...

Thank you so much for sharing this post. I cannot imagine the heart-wrenching pain you have endured. I have followed your blog for the past several years and my heart just breaks for you and your family. Ivy Joy was (and is) such an inspiration to so many. It is evident that her life, though way too short on this earth, touched so many other lives, and continues to touch others, like myself. I have two adopted daughters from Korea and a biological son, and like you, all I ever wanted to be was a mom. As painful as this was to read (I was literally weeping), what you wrote also uplifted and inspired me. I too am a woman of faith, and my middle name is Joy. But lately I have found myself becoming disconnected and complacent. I've allowed "the small stuff" to steal my Joy. I get easily upset with my kids and irritated by life's minor inconveniences. This post was a wake-up call for me this morning; to never lose sight of what's important; to keep my eyes and my heart fixed on the Lord; to appreciate and cherish every moment with my children and all those I love; and to live every moment with Joy and Gratitude. Thank you so much for that. And thank you for your raw authenticity and the way you put it into words. The strength of your character and faith is so inspiring, and the Love and trust that you place in the Lord is really quite remarkable. May God Bless you and your beautiful family. You will continue to be in my prayers.
With Love, Kimberly said...

Thank you for your sweet comment Kimberly. May your days be filled with love and joy! Mary said...

Love you Kim said...

Thank you Carly. My prayers for you as well. His plan is perfect. His way > my way. The best is yet to come said...

Absolutely! Our time here is nothing compared to what is yet to come. Thank you for your prayers ❤️

Joy said...

I too am a long time blog reader & have missed your posts. I am so happy to hear what a blessing Charlotte is! Praying for you as you walk this journey ❤️

K said...

I'm so glad you posted. I've been wondering how you are. Mothers lose children in a variety of ways and no one can truly say one way is worse than another to lose a child, but I think that when a mother devotes every moment of every day to keeping their child alive, the loss is so much harder to bear. On top of that, you had to pour out love for your new daughter in your deepest time of heartache. Perhaps God planned it that way, to give you something to keep you going, who really knows.

A year. Seems so long, but it's such a short time.

Please know that so many of us who have followed your blog think of you often and pray for you and hope that, as time goes by, the pain of missing your precious daughter becomes bearable and joy can creep into your heart in its place.

I always hate it when people say, "Time will heal," and "You'll get over it," and all those other insensitive comments that are supposed to make us feel better at our time of losing someone we love. In my experience, missing my loved one isn't something I want to get over. I love them too much for that. But, in time, I found that missing them became the new normal instead of having them right there with me. And no matter how much time passes, some days miss them so much that I burst into tears. On some days I'll see someone or hear something that reminds me of them and I can smile in my sadness.

My thoughts and prayers and love are with you, even though you don't know me. We are connected as mothers, especially as mothers of children adopted from China and children with greater needs.

Bethany said...

I just found your blog. I wish there were words to help, especially as the date of Ivy's going away draws near again. March 20 is my birthday. And March 22, 2016 is my younger daughter's birthday. She had a CHD as well--hypoplastic left heart syndrome. We are Jesus followers, too. Your experience resonates a lot with me. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. And that I'm certain Ivy will always be loved and remembered.

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