Is it June yet?
March 20
My darling girl met Jesus face to face a year ago this day. The beauty and the despair in that same moment grip me. My heart, shattered and heavy, relives this day and the despair of the next 48 hours. I want it to be June now.
March 20
My daughter, Charlotte Hope, ours for just 12 months now, says to me. “Mommy, I missed you when I was in China and you weren’t there. I was so scared without you. I love you. I love you to be my mommy. I wish you could be my mommy when I was a baby.”
The gift that this child is. My daughter, my rainbow, my smile maker, my love.
April 4,
1 year ago, we buried our baby girl. 6 years too young. 1 year without her. Heart aching so terribly. I am wrecked!
We rejoice in our baby being made new and we run to serve and love on others all through the month, in her honor, in her memory, in our suffering.
April 17 our sweet daughter Cassidy’s birthday. Ivy loved her big sister Cassidy with every cell in her body. She would melt in her arms, kiss her and hug her and just adored her. She made birthdays the very best! Made everyone feel so valued and important! My heart aches for Cassidy today, she misses her so much!
April 29th, Cassidy gets married. She walks down the Isle with her daddy and she sparkles like diamonds. With Ivy’s photo charm attached to her bouquet and memories of our baby girl all around us, we weep with joy for Cassidy and with heart ache for the little flower girl who was so excited to walk down the isle on her sisters wedding day but didn’t get to. We know heaven is better, but we miss her and we want her here. We ache for what we’d hoped for. We give thanks, for what should be enough.
May 6, Ivy Joys Birthday! How can it be that we have no child here to celebrate with? It feels like the first day without you every single day. Like how is this really true? Someone wake me up! My heart is just pierced with pain. I miss her so much! The tears go on. My baby girl, life without her is so hard.
May 10th, Cassidy graduates from college! So many beautiful and amazing milestones for this girl! We are bursting with the proudest hearts! She gets a teaching job at Ivy, Lexi and Charlotte’s School. Our sweet girl has grown up before our eyes and oh Lord, we just thank you for all of this. As happy as I am for her, I keep hearing her baby sister shouting Go Cass!! You did it Cass!!! I love you Cass Cass! My tears won’t stop. Ive ended the drought here in Arizona thanks to all these tears.
We press on, we sprinkle joy, we watch her videos and thank God for each second we had. We wanted more. So much more. But we submit and we trust and yes, we cry.
May 13... today. Mother’s Day. I wanted to fast forward to June. I wanted to Skip this day and be done with anniversaries and milestones and trigger dates that slay me. I’ve tried so hard to hold myself together and do a good job of being every bit as good of a mom to these precious children as I would have been without this broken heart. I’m aching, but I’m proud of myself too. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Losing a little child that you have spent every single day taking care of and loving. No one is ever ready for that. I get up every day and ask God to just get me through today. Keep my eyes on you Jesus. Let me be the example to my children. Let me praise you in every page of my story, happy or sad. Let me see the beauty when it feels dark and let me embrace all I still have.
I still hope to wake up to find it was all a nightmare. It’s still that fresh.
This day, Mother’s Day, without my sunshine girl. My bucket of pure joy. All I ever wanted to be is a mom. It’s my absolute everything. The honor of raising a child. I always told people when I was a kid, that I would have 7 kids one day. I do, but celebrating this day without one of them is heart wrenching. It’s painful. It’s debilitating. I’m so blessed to be this tribes mom! So very blessed! But having to give one back, it just hurts.
Bring me June or bring me Jesus
