Is it June yet?

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Is it June yet?

March 20

My darling girl met Jesus face to face a year ago this day. The beauty and the despair in that same moment grip me. My heart, shattered and heavy, relives this day and the despair of the next 48 hours. I want it to be June now.

March 20

My daughter, Charlotte Hope, ours for just 12 months now, says to me. “Mommy, I missed you when I was in China and you weren’t there. I was so scared without you. I love you. I love you to be my mommy. I wish you could be my mommy when I was a baby.”

The gift that this child is. My daughter, my rainbow, my smile maker, my love. 

April 4, 

1 year ago, we buried our baby girl. 6 years too young. 1 year without her. Heart aching so terribly. I am wrecked!

We rejoice in our baby being made new and we run to serve and love on others all through the month, in her honor, in her memory, in our suffering.

April 17 our sweet daughter Cassidy’s birthday. Ivy loved her big sister Cassidy with every cell in her body. She would melt in her arms, kiss her and hug her and just adored her. She made birthdays the very best! Made everyone feel so valued and important! My heart aches for Cassidy today, she misses her so much! 

April 29th, Cassidy gets married. She walks down the Isle with her daddy and she sparkles like diamonds. With Ivy’s photo charm attached to her bouquet and memories of our baby girl all around us, we weep with joy for Cassidy and with heart ache for the little flower girl who was so excited to walk down the isle on her sisters wedding day but didn’t get to. We know heaven is better, but we miss her and we want her here. We ache for what we’d hoped for. We give thanks, for what should be enough.

May 6, Ivy Joys Birthday! How can it be that we have no child here to celebrate with? It feels like the first day without you every single day. Like how is this really true? Someone wake me up! My heart is just pierced with pain. I miss her so much! The tears go on. My baby girl, life without her is so hard.

May 10th, Cassidy graduates from college! So many beautiful and amazing milestones for this girl! We are bursting with the proudest hearts! She gets a teaching job at Ivy, Lexi and Charlotte’s School. Our sweet girl has grown up before our eyes and oh Lord, we just thank you for all of this. As happy as I am for her, I keep hearing her baby sister shouting Go Cass!! You did it Cass!!! I love you Cass Cass! My tears won’t stop. Ive ended the drought here in Arizona thanks to all these tears. 

We press on, we sprinkle joy, we watch her videos and thank God for each second we had. We wanted more. So much more. But we submit and we trust and yes, we cry.

May 13... today. Mother’s Day. I wanted to fast forward to June. I wanted to Skip this day and be done with anniversaries and milestones and trigger dates that slay me. I’ve tried so hard to hold myself together and do a good job of being every bit as good of a mom to these precious children as I would have been without this broken heart. I’m aching, but I’m proud of myself too. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Losing a little child that you have spent every single day taking care of and loving. No one is ever ready for that. I get up every day and ask God to just get me through today. Keep my eyes on you Jesus. Let me be the example to my children. Let me praise you in every page of my story, happy or sad. Let me see the beauty when it feels dark and let me embrace all I still have. 

I still hope to wake up to find it was all a nightmare. It’s still that fresh. 

This day, Mother’s Day, without my sunshine girl. My bucket of pure joy. All I ever wanted to be is a mom. It’s my absolute everything. The honor of raising a child. I always told people when I was a kid, that I would have 7 kids one day. I do, but celebrating this day without one of them is heart wrenching. It’s painful. It’s debilitating. I’m so blessed to be this tribes mom! So very blessed! But having to give one back, it just hurts.

Bring me June or bring me Jesus

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7 in heaven, #sprinklejoyforivy

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Share share share!! 

Saturday! Be Joy!!! Ivy will turn 7 in Heaven, lets Sprinkle Joy for Ivy!

At 7am our family will head to Ivys home church to clean for Jesus. Help us give her church some extra sparkle as we vacuum and clean toilets and sprinkle joy. We'll bring donuts from Bosa and there will be coffee already there. So arrive a few minutes early ;) Mission community church. MISSION Community Church

After we clean we are heading to the cemetery. We plan on putting a red ballon on every child's grave. (Ivy is in a children only area) I hope it brings a little joy to the families who visit that day. 

Ivy had someone in her life that she loved dearly. She happens to be a dear friend of mine, and she happens to have stage 4 cancer. Ivy never missed a day praying for her. Ever!!! And the first words out of her mouth each time we see our friend, were always, how ya dooin today? How's your canswer? It was so innocent and so beautiful. If you watched her service you might remember the video where she was telling our friend to fight fight fight. Our girl was a prayer worrier and I have no doubt she's still advocating for her sweet Stacy in heaven. Next Saturday ( a week after Ivy's birthday) happens to be Stacy's birthday. She has titanium rods in her back so she can't drive for the rest of her life. Her sister ( an absolute gift from God) drives her everywhere! Takes her back and forth to her countless appointments!) I want to bless these two ladies! It gets boring sitting at home and she has very young children. Let's shower them with amazon gift cards! I'm sure that there is just no time to run to all the places she needs to with a schedule like hers. The 2 sisters can share the cards. When I imagine how we act in heaven, all just sharing everything and always helping each other, putting the other first... it is there 2 sisters that I see! I'm so blessed to call them friends. I purchased my gift cards at the grocery store but you can also purchase online. If you choose to join us, please message me for address or bring Saturday. 

The rest is easy

Say hello to people you don't know

Say a compliment or two

Skip like a child without caring about who is staring at you. Have fun! Sparkle! Giggle!

Write a sweet note to a teacher

Give a financial gift with money you had saved for something for yourself, knowing they need it more.

Have compassion and love for the hurting.

Love on everyone!!!!!

Read one more story before bed

Say yes to ice cream for breakfast! ( or chips)

It is easier to find joy than it is to harbor bitterness. So let's do this!!!

Hashtag your day! Show us how much joy can be spread. Or give in secret and just hashtag a sweet photo. We love you all and Ivy loved you more! 

#sprinklejoyforivy

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#sprinklejoyforivy

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Saturday, Little Miss Ivy Joy will be 7. Her first birthday in heaven and our first birthday without her. Her big sister, Lexi, who is 8 years old, put it all in prospective tonight. Mom, Ivy is going to be having days better than birthdays and Christmas and every best moment you could imagine times one billion in heaven. She beat us there. Because God chose to heal her heart in heaven instead of open her chest again for the 6th time. He didn't want her suffering through that and he took her to heaven before her birthday because he knows how much she LOVES birthdays!!
And she is right. I taught the girls very young the beauty of our salvation and what lies ahead. They talked about death and about heaven in the most free and innocent way. Just 2 weeks before Ivy went to heaven, she was telling Lexi and I that she was going to have a pegasus unicorn in heaven and 1000 shopkins. I would not doubt that she is riding her pegasus unicorn on her birthday. That is if she has gotten of of Jesus' lap yet. I told Lexi that every time I pictured Ivy in heaven she was still on Jesus' lap and that I hoped she was sharing. Lexi reassured me, mom, it doesn't matter! There is no sadness or complaining in heaven so even if she isn't sharing, no one will care! My girl is wise and she is the joy that covers my mourning. And so is Charlotte and all of her happiness and love. And so are my big kids and my little Henry! I am blessed to still have these moments with them and promise to continue to not miss a minute of each day we have together. Because today is what we know we have. And though this is hard, we can always find joy!
Tomorrow I will post about our SPRINKLE JOY FOR IVY! In honor of her Birthday!
Much love and gratitude to all who continue to cover us in prayer!
Mary Pin It

Introducing Charlotte

Pin It Ivy and Lexi would not want me to wait another day for this. Amongst the heartbreak, we have delayed sharing this treasure. On the same day we lost a child, we received our newest child. I was numb, heart broken, afraid, devastated, the most horrid thing you'll ever experience is the loss of a child, but then to be across the world, then add that it's adoption day, you have had your child in your arms for 4 hours. She's grieving all she's known and I'm grieving all I've lost. unimaginable. I had to get home, my baby died! I had to get home. With the completely unselfish love and help of my dearest friend Kim, I had the Visa I needed to get home, 54 hours after signing the adoption papers. World record! And once home, I was able to mourn and grieve and embrace all I still have, and lean on Jesus for He is who I will always have.
Charlotte Hope, you are on this earth for a reason just as your sister was. God has a plan for and for our family and I want you to know that while we are sad because of our loss, we are rejoicing to have been chosen to be your mommy and daddy and we will love you all the days of our lives. We are so grateful that Charlottes transition has been seamless. She is kind and loving and happy all the time. She is so eager to learn and so overjoyed to have so many siblings who are showering her with love. She loves our dog Molly and all things girly.  So without further due, we'd like to introduce our 5 year old Daughter, home from Guangzhou China, Charlotte Hope ❤️

                         Just off the plane, a new U.S Citizen

Home 2 weeks

                           The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just 
                              to love and be loved in return

There is always something to be thankful for. Tomorrow is not promised. Not for me, not for you, not for her. It never was. Looking at that in the face, is hard. But it's reality. Embrace every single day my friends. We did! Our suffering is still tremendous. It is still so very painful. But we are so happy that me missed nothing and have no regrets. We miss Ivy Joy so very very much. We cry a lot. A whole lot. Today we still have so much to give thanks for. We promise to embrace that every morning. I woke up today. I could breathe, I could walk. I wish Ivy was blowing bubbles in the yard with Charlotte. More than you can imagine. But what is here now, today, for that we find joy. Pin It

Ivy's memorial service

Pin It For those out of state, here is the link to the live stream happening in 1 hour
http://missionaz.org/ivy Pin It

Taken too soon

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Leaving today!!!!!

Pin It So excited to be starting the journey to China today. I will have Charlotte on Monday afternoon. This week has been a whirlwind as Ivy has been so very sick and my mama heart has just been numb in jugging the what if's. So thankful for our amazing pediatrician who took care of her quickly and eased my broken soul in making decisions on what to do next. She assured me that by today I should feel much better about leaving and sure enough, I do. She is not back to herself yet, but her breathing is great, her 02 is back to normal, here fever has been gone for a few days and she is very excited that her sister is coming home soon. 
Satan wanted this beautiful story to have a pause or even an end, but it won't. He knows that the easy way control me is through the well being of my children. But God used so many people, and so many things, to turn me back Him and I held on to my own knowledge that fear does not from God. Anxiety,.... not from our Father! I am at ease with all things today. My heart is full, my confidence is back, and I'm ready to go get our girl!
Charlotte Hope, just a few more days sweet girl.  Pin It

7 Days!

Pin It In 7 days, I meet Charlotte! I am so blessed that my friend Kim is flying to China with me and spending Monday-Thursday with Charlotte and I.  My travel will begin on the night of March 17th and 2 weeks later, Charlotte and I will land in Phoenix, Friday March 31st. Charlotte will become a U.S citizen as soon as we land in the United States. I'm ready to get our girl home! 

Ivy's surgery date has changed to June 2nd. A little sooner sounds great to her! 

Have a blessed week! 

May you find JoY in all things! 

Mary

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Tick Tock, its almost time

Pin It Our Aticle 5 is being picked up right now in China. This is the final step before Travel Approval! Its so hard to believe that is is almost GO TIME! Charlotte's coming home!
I don't usually tell people about this because it just makes me more anxious, but I really really really dislike flying. Yep, I've traveled to China 2 going on 3 times to bring home our children and yet I can not stand to fly!
Anyway, the past 2 weeks as I have been awaiting our Article 5 pick up and very aware that travel is on the horizon, I have had such peace. I'm traveling alone to get Charlotte, but I know I won't really be alone. And I'm finding great comfort that I've been able to lay my worries at the feet of Jesus and He doesn't judge me for it. He knows I'm weak, and He loves me just the same.
We hopt to find out by the end of the week when I will actually be leaving and when Charlotte Hope will be in my arms. We are excited, busy, and trusting God all the way there and back! He knows the day, the hour, the minute. And all in His perfect timing, His will, will be done!

*Ivy update*
She is eating. She has her 3 or 4 weird things that she likes to eat and we're just running with it. She is eating chips again.... Something tells me there were many praying for that :)
She is still doing well off her oxygen when just sitting around. She uses it for play and it helps a lot. We do not have surgery dates yet, but it does look like June is the latest it will be. Ivy wants everyone to know she appreciates your thoughts and prayers and that she is doing just fine! She also sends the biggest hugs!

Love these 2 with all my heart! Thankful for the honor of being their mom. Can't wait to complete the trio of dumplings and have Charlotte our daughter forever too! 6 girls and 1 boy! Wow! When I was a tween and teen, I babysat a ton. People knew how much I loved kids and would always ask me how many kids I was going to have and I always answered 7! Not really believing I'd have 7, but as a child, it sounded perfect. And I guess God thought so too! 

James 1:27

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this

To look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Keep my eyes on you Lord. I am closest to you when you stretch me. When I can't do it on my own, thank you for reminding me that I don't need to. When I feel anxious, thank you for carrying my weight and forgiving me for doubting you. I am not alone. Never alone. Lets do this!

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Ivy's Forever Family Day and an update on her precious heart

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                                       5 YEARS HOME!

We came home from California on Friday. Her Cath went well but there was no intervention done. To cut right to the chase, she needs another Open Heart surgery. Her Mitral Valve and her Pulmonary valve need to be replaced. And while they are in there they will replace the batteries in her pacemaker. 
While we are sad our sweet girl needs to go through this again, we are so very thankful that there IS something more they can do! This is the answer to healing her lungs! The reason her Pulmonary Hypertension has not responded to the many forms of medication we have been trying. It's why her legs hurt when she walks. (lack of blood flow) It's why she can't ride a bike or run along side her sister or wrestle with her daddy without getting completely out of breath. And I really hope it is the answer to getting her to eat again because this mama is exhausted by the amount of time I spend trying to get this little one to eat anything... drink anything other than ice water. She just gags and wretches. The little girl who used to always have a box of fries or a bag of chips in hand.. no more. To be able to play hard, laugh hard and eat a regular meal.... to do these things with ease... Ivy says it will be far worth it! She is the bravest and strongest girl I know!

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:1b-2 (NIV)

Today we celebrate the day we met! The day we had our first cuddles! The day we became a family! She needed us and we needed her and nothing has changed! We love her and she loves us!

Tomorrow we celebrate valentines day and the day we signed that paper that made it all official. She loves that we get 2 days to celebrate! I was thinking today about our first few days together and trying to remember every detail. The obvious things are hard to forget, how blue she was, how clubbed her tiny fingers were. How it felt like someone was beating on my chest when her heart was pressed against mine. 

But I wanted to spend the day remembering the other things. Like how quickly she bonded with me, but yet how she gave everyone else the stink eye. How she would give the sweetest most delicate kisses. How much she loved to go for walks outside. How she would eat just about anything! (those were the days.....) How she laughed with no sound, but how adorable it was even without sound. How she thought it was so funny to throw herself backwards from sitting position so she could laugh at my panic as I scrambled to break the fall. She knew I would catch her! How she would shake her head no when she tried to crawl and when she pulled up to standing position. She did this because in the orphanage she was not allowed to do anything to exert herself.  She was so proud of herself. I knew from that first day that she was incredibly strong. To hear her breathe was like listening to a staticky radio station. And yet she just smiled and went about her business. She was crazy about her first bath and she still loves baths more than anything. She'd never get out if there was no time limit. Take that girl to LUSH and she will attempt to buy every bath bomb and bubble bar she can afford! She has always had a zest about her. A sweet and gentle spirit with a side of hot sauce! 

Oh how we love her!

Worlds best sister always by her side! Always encouraging, always understanding! 

These 2 are so good for each other!!!

We are waiting to hear back from Ivy's cardiologist about when this surgery will happen. In California they mentioned early June but we really don't know anything for sure yet.

One day at a time! 

Lord bless me with peace and freedom from fear. I will hold your hand and trust your heart with all that is within me. Give me courage today to be the person you created me to be. Amen

 Mary

Let’s ask God to show us what we are afraid of. What is paralyzing our faith and keeping us from living confidently in His peace and freedom? And then let’s give God a chance to come though for us as we courageously walk through our fears, holding God’s hand and trusting His heart to lead, protect and preserve us each step of the way.
Dear God, help me walk through my fears by facing them instead of being paralyzed by them. I want to take Your hand and trust Your heart with all that is within me. Give me courage today to take the first step. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/when-fear-paralyzes-your-faith-2/#sthash.RwaHfzi0.dpuf

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Chalottes Smile

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While we may never have baby pictures of our little Charlotte, we are blessed to have a few of her today! And look at that smile!!!! Praising God for this sweet gift and for reminding us to Be Still

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